As parents, we want our children to spend time with us, talk with us, and
stay close for as long as we live. More importantly, we would like them to
desire the same thing. But if we don't love them unconditionally now, it's
unlikely they will remain nearby in the future."But aren't I responsible to help them develop to their fullest potential?"
you might ask. "Are there not times when I need to push a little?"Absolutely! In fact, motivating your children to excellence and improvement
is part of expressing unconditional love and acceptance to them. To allow
kids simply to get by in life is a form of covert rejection.If you want to motivate your children without expressing an attitude of
conditional acceptance, two things must be true: First, all your prodding and exhortation must be preceded by demonstrations
of unconditional love for them. There must be memorials, so to speak, to
their worthiness in your eyes. By "memorials," I mean prior events or
conversations that have clearly expressed your love. Memorials are beneficial because they give your children something to recall
for reassurance when you pressure them to perform. Sometimes your
expectations will be too high, and they will fail. Without reminders of your
unconditional acceptance, children might fear your disappointment and
rejection. Memorials can also take the form of a gift or even the bestowal of certain
privileges. In presenting the gift, stress that it is not connected with any
particular occasion or action on their part; you are giving simply because
you love them.Second, to properly motivate your child, you must measure him by his own
ability, not somebody else's. Comparing one child's performance to that of
another eventually destroys self-esteem, expressions of individuality, and
creativity.The real key here is to view each of your children as a unique individual.
Every young person is gifted in some particular way. Your goal as a parent
is to recognize that strength and emphasize it as your son or daughter
develops, for within a child's area of talent lies the greatest potential
for excellence. By cultivating these strengths, you will also do great
things for your children's self-esteem. When I was growing up, I didn't do so well in high school. Everything turned
out okay, but I didn't have a good start. As a result, I never told my kids
that I expected them to get As or Bs while they were in school. I didn't
tell them they had to make the baseball team or be the most popular.
Instead, my question to them was, "Did you do your best?"One good way to find out whether or not your children feel unconditional
acceptance is simply to ask them, "What do you think it would take for you
to make Mom and Dad as proud of you as we could possibly be?"Evaluate the answer carefully. Is it task-oriented? Do they feel they must
do all their chores every day or be straight-A students? Do they feel
obligated to make a team or squad, or perform some other task to win your
approval?Perhaps the answer is more character-related. Do your children believe that
doing their best at every task they undertake is what would please you? Do
they know you would be proud of them for obeying God, regardless of the
cost? Their reply will give you insight into what you've actually communicated,
regardless of what you have said. The value system you establish will serve
as a basis upon which they accept themselves and others.Simply telling your children that you accept them unconditionally is not
enough. The apostle John wrote, "My little children, let us not love in word
or in tongue, but in deed and in truth" (1
John 3:18). Unconditional love and acceptance are communicated
more clearly by what we do and how we do it than simply by what we say. Our children must have a backlog of memories to sustain their belief that we
truly love them, no matter what. Such love tells our sons and daughters that
we accept them for who they are-regardless of what they do. What a sense of
security and acceptance this gives them! Do you want to encourage your kids to succeed? You don't need to push
expectations on them. If we direct their focus to the Lord, then they will
want to be obedient and do their best for Him. Never take for granted the impact that you have on your children's lives.
Remember, the way you act toward them today greatly influences the way they
will respond to you tomorrow. Adapted from "How to Keep Your Kids on Your Team" (1986).
stay close for as long as we live. More importantly, we would like them to
desire the same thing. But if we don't love them unconditionally now, it's
unlikely they will remain nearby in the future."But aren't I responsible to help them develop to their fullest potential?"
you might ask. "Are there not times when I need to push a little?"Absolutely! In fact, motivating your children to excellence and improvement
is part of expressing unconditional love and acceptance to them. To allow
kids simply to get by in life is a form of covert rejection.If you want to motivate your children without expressing an attitude of
conditional acceptance, two things must be true: First, all your prodding and exhortation must be preceded by demonstrations
of unconditional love for them. There must be memorials, so to speak, to
their worthiness in your eyes. By "memorials," I mean prior events or
conversations that have clearly expressed your love. Memorials are beneficial because they give your children something to recall
for reassurance when you pressure them to perform. Sometimes your
expectations will be too high, and they will fail. Without reminders of your
unconditional acceptance, children might fear your disappointment and
rejection. Memorials can also take the form of a gift or even the bestowal of certain
privileges. In presenting the gift, stress that it is not connected with any
particular occasion or action on their part; you are giving simply because
you love them.Second, to properly motivate your child, you must measure him by his own
ability, not somebody else's. Comparing one child's performance to that of
another eventually destroys self-esteem, expressions of individuality, and
creativity.The real key here is to view each of your children as a unique individual.
Every young person is gifted in some particular way. Your goal as a parent
is to recognize that strength and emphasize it as your son or daughter
develops, for within a child's area of talent lies the greatest potential
for excellence. By cultivating these strengths, you will also do great
things for your children's self-esteem. When I was growing up, I didn't do so well in high school. Everything turned
out okay, but I didn't have a good start. As a result, I never told my kids
that I expected them to get As or Bs while they were in school. I didn't
tell them they had to make the baseball team or be the most popular.
Instead, my question to them was, "Did you do your best?"One good way to find out whether or not your children feel unconditional
acceptance is simply to ask them, "What do you think it would take for you
to make Mom and Dad as proud of you as we could possibly be?"Evaluate the answer carefully. Is it task-oriented? Do they feel they must
do all their chores every day or be straight-A students? Do they feel
obligated to make a team or squad, or perform some other task to win your
approval?Perhaps the answer is more character-related. Do your children believe that
doing their best at every task they undertake is what would please you? Do
they know you would be proud of them for obeying God, regardless of the
cost? Their reply will give you insight into what you've actually communicated,
regardless of what you have said. The value system you establish will serve
as a basis upon which they accept themselves and others.Simply telling your children that you accept them unconditionally is not
enough. The apostle John wrote, "My little children, let us not love in word
or in tongue, but in deed and in truth" (1
John 3:18). Unconditional love and acceptance are communicated
more clearly by what we do and how we do it than simply by what we say. Our children must have a backlog of memories to sustain their belief that we
truly love them, no matter what. Such love tells our sons and daughters that
we accept them for who they are-regardless of what they do. What a sense of
security and acceptance this gives them! Do you want to encourage your kids to succeed? You don't need to push
expectations on them. If we direct their focus to the Lord, then they will
want to be obedient and do their best for Him. Never take for granted the impact that you have on your children's lives.
Remember, the way you act toward them today greatly influences the way they
will respond to you tomorrow. Adapted from "How to Keep Your Kids on Your Team" (1986).
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